Skip to the content
ParodyEverything here is made up. No payments are taken, no barrels exist, and nothing is ever delivered — that is the entire premise.
Keeping the lights on is also harder than it looks — visit our friends at Grid Never Connects
Barrel Never Pumps22 origins · 156 grades

Terms

Terms of a transaction that never settles

Plain-language terms for a shop that cannot sell you anything. There are eleven of them, which felt like enough.

  1. 1What this is

    Barrel Never Pumps is a parody. It is not a shop, a marketplace, an exchange or a broker. No goods exist, no inventory is held, and no service is provided. Everything on the site is written for comic effect.

  2. 2Orders

    An order is an acknowledgement that you clicked a button. It is not a contract, not an offer, not an acceptance, and not a record of anything that occurred. We are not obliged to fulfil it and you are not obliged to pay for it, because neither of those things is possible here.

  3. 3Payment

    No payment is taken, ever. The card form accepts only published industry test numbers and refuses anything else. The amount tendered is always $0.00, which we consider correct. There is no payment code in this project and no endpoint that could receive card data.

  4. 4Delivery

    Nothing is dispatched. Nothing arrives. Delivery estimates are generated at random from a fixed list and are not predictions. The progress record shown after checkout is decoration, and every step on it is fictional, including the completed ones.

  5. 5Diversions

    Your order is diverted to a rival city, chosen from real, documented sporting and civic rivalries. The cities are real, the rivalries are real, and the authorities, ministries and competitors that appear to seize the shipment are invented. No delivery to any destination occurs.

  6. 6Physical delivery mode

    A toggle that changes one boolean. It will ask you to source empty steel drums. Do not source empty steel drums.

  7. 7Pricing

    All prices are invented and are deliberately wrong for crude oil. They are consumer-scale figures attached to a bulk commodity, and they are not an offer to sell anything at any price.

  8. 8Not advice

    Nothing here is financial, investment, legal, tax or commercial advice. Crude grade names are factual industry terms used for parody. The figures attached to them are not.

  9. 9Liability

    To the fullest extent permitted by law, we accept no liability for anything arising from your use of this site. In practice this is straightforward, because no transaction occurs, no money moves and no barrel exists, so there is nothing for a claim to attach to.

  10. 10Your data

    We collect nothing. See the privacy page for exactly what your own browser stores and how to delete it.

  11. 11Governing law

    None applies, because no legal relationship is created by browsing a parody. If you believe a jurisdiction governs, you are thinking about this harder than we are.

By continuing to use this site you accept that it is a joke, that nothing here is real, and that no part of this page constitutes a legally binding agreement — including this sentence.

Delivery confirmed

Your barrels will be received in full by—

—

—

Paid with test card · orderBNP-000000

—

Thank you! We have charged$0.00and dispatched0barrels. Estimated arrival:pending.

Delivery destination

Long-standing rival of —

—

—

—

Delivery record

  1. ✓ Payment authorised
  2. ✓ Order packed at origin
  3. ✓ Loaded at the terminal
  4. ✓ In transit — rerouted
  5. ✓ Out for delivery — wrong city
  6. ✓ Delivered and signed for by your rival

Delivering to—

0 containers booked ·card

While you wait — the checklist

The honest bit, as always: this payment was simulated, no card was charged, and no barrels are going anywhere. The city above is real, the rivalry is a real one, and the ministry that seized your shipment does not exist.