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ParodyEverything here is made up. No payments are taken, no barrels exist, and nothing is ever delivered — that is the entire premise.
Keeping the lights on is also harder than it looks — visit our friends at Grid Never Connects
Barrel Never Pumps22 origins · 156 grades

Contact

Say hello to nobody in particular

There is no inbox behind this page and no server to receive a message. The form exists because shops are supposed to have one.

This form is not connected to anything. Your message is not stored, not emailed and not read, because there is nowhere for it to go. Please do not paste anything confidential into it — it cannot receive it, but the habit is worth avoiding.

Other ways not to reach us

The Free Port of Nowhere
Mark it for the attention of the Ministry of Unfulfilled Orders. They will file it.
The Barrel Republic, Drum City
Twelve time zones. One customs officer. No telephone.
The group chat
There is no moderator and the search function has never worked.

None of these are real addresses. They are invented places from the same list that the checkout uses when it diverts your order.

Looking for something specific?

Questions about data are answered on the privacy page, and questions about what you are and are not agreeing to are on theterms page. Theblog is an archive of headlines that did not happen.

Delivery confirmed

Your barrels will be received in full by—

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Paid with test card · orderBNP-000000

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Thank you! We have charged$0.00and dispatched0barrels. Estimated arrival:pending.

Delivery destination

Long-standing rival of —

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Delivery record

  1. ✓ Payment authorised
  2. ✓ Order packed at origin
  3. ✓ Loaded at the terminal
  4. ✓ In transit — rerouted
  5. ✓ Out for delivery — wrong city
  6. ✓ Delivered and signed for by your rival

Delivering to—

0 containers booked ·card

While you wait — the checklist

The honest bit, as always: this payment was simulated, no card was charged, and no barrels are going anywhere. The city above is real, the rivalry is a real one, and the ministry that seized your shipment does not exist.